November 27, 2004
Let not the
sands of time get in your lunch.
I
made a cheeseburger today and what an exceptionally fine cheeseburger it was
– done to absolute perfection if I do say so
myself. I was just about to put some mustard on it when an image
slowly materialized on the surface of the grilled cheese. It looked like the
face of a woman!
“Cool!” I thought to myself.
Then, not without some degree of incredulity, I realized that this was not the face of just any woman
– this was an image of the Madonna.
??? No, not that
Madonna, the other Madonna, the Virgin Mary, mother of our Lord and Savior.
I gasped in disbelief, for out of all the countless billions of
cheeseburgers that have ever been cooked in the world, she chose my
cheeseburger. Mine!
It occurred to me that the image might suddenly disappear as mysteriously as it had appeared and that no one would believe me when I told them about it. I ran as fast as I could, grabbed my camera and quickly snapped the photo of it above. (Click on it to see a larger picture.)
This was quite something, not at all like that ratty, partially eaten, so-called Madonna in a ten year old grilled cheese sandwich that was sold on EBay. (What I want to know is why anyone in their right mind would pay $28,000 for a sandwich that was partially eaten?)
No,
this was the real deal. The cheeseburger was in pristine condition without
even the slightest hint of a nibble. The image was clear and there could be
no doubt that it was indeed a vision of the Blessed Virgin Mary.
Not only that but this cheeseburger also had pickles, lettuce, onions and tomatoes, which that phony sandwich did not. No mayo though because I don't like it. It seems to me that mayonnaise would be better suited to lubricating machinery.
Then the
awesome reality hit me like a ton of Big Macs –
I was the sole witness to a miracle! A gift from God. The realization
opened up a floodgate somewhere deep within me and wave after wave of
unfamiliar emotions slowly, inexorably, washed over me.
My mind reeled in a swirling cauldron of confusion as I struggled in vain to grasp the enormity of the situation. Why me? What did it mean? Was I the chosen one like that Neo guy in The Matrix? What unknown destiny awaited me?
Feelings that I cannot explain
or even adequately describe overpowered me. My heart pounded, beads of
sweat formed on my forehead and my hands trembled as I
nervously picked up the cheeseburger. My eyes began to well up as I
gazed in awe at the miraculous vision that lay before me. I dropped
helplessly to my
knees, genuflected and whispered a prayer to the Lady of the
Cheeseburger.
Then I thought "What the hell!" and scarfed down the cheeseburger. I was so ravenously hungry that I devoured it greedily in less than a minute, Virgin Mary and all. Christ, I was hungry!
My hunger satiated, I looked up towards heaven with tears still in my eyes, wiped the grease off my mouth with the back of my hand, emitted a long, satisfied belch of appreciation and cried out a heartfelt and sincere “Thank you Blessed Virgin Mary, Mother of God. Thank you for a most glorious cheeseburger”.